BATH SALT SOAKS FOR WRITERS AND WANNABES

(click on photos for details and pricing - in case of munchies - non edible)

You're a walking zombie, can't dognap, catnap, or like a horse - snooze standing. With finger nails gnawed to the stub, you don't have the first riveting idea for a novel. What you need is a hot soaky tub soak with an added scoop full of SLEEP.

You've had a partial night's sleep and wake up groggy and discombobulated, trying to hang onto the dream plot and protag and antag names for an incredible New York Times best seller, if only you could remember all of the scenes and whether to write in first critter or third person. What you need for recall is a hot soaky tub soak with an added scoop full of ENERGY.

You've pounded the keyboard, shoulders tight, legs aching, neck screaming for an ER brace, and arthritic big toes throbbing out code for "I need a massage" - exhausted - but before hitting the sheets, you need a hot soaky tub soak with a scoop full of MUSCLE ACHE.

You now find out you must write a proposal to send to an agent - including the dreaded synopsis, one line hook, and back cover blurbs. You realize you'd rather pay a professional $2,000 than to write one of these things yourself. What you need is a hot soaky tub soak with a scoop full of LESS STRESS.

An agent is chomping at the bit to sign you with his/her Humongo Name Literary Service. After hanging up the phone and yelling "They like me! They really like me!" you run through the house screaming in ecstasy yanking out what's left of your dread locks since you finished the proposal after you decided you needed that $2,000 to pay the hampster vet and heat bills. You skip to the tub through the tulips and run hot water because now you know you need to add BREATHE to a soak and your list of things to do.

Your agent notifies you that not one publisher will publish your masterpiece because the market has shifted and the only thing selling now is prairie bonnet Christian romances and thrillers like The Hunt for Chartreuse October and you've written a sci-fi/fantasy/western whose main character is a cross between a lady turned vampire/ wombat and a cyberspace alien serial word killer who is looking for true cowboy love on Pluto. You realize you should have obeyed that still small voice and written what you know. What you need is a hot soaky tub soak with a scoop of DETOX.

After you've followed all of the above instructions, you may discover you have what it takes to be a real writer. Not that you weren't a real writer, but you feel like you've paid your writers dues after a decade and can call yourself by that label/nom de plume, per your last shrink's sage counseling. Either that, or I kinda like Certifiably Crazy. If that's the case, go back to the first product SLEEP and repeat the entire process. After another ten years of pounding the keys, you may eventually be able to revel in a hot tub with one scoop of BREATHE which also makes for a nice ending of the day once your baby has been birthed and published in all its glory. But eventually, you're going to start worrying about things like, "You mean I have to do all of the marketing? Am I a one trick pony?" That translates "Do I have only one novel in me or can I make it happen again?" That's when you might want to dump one scoop each of the above into your hot soaky tub bath - all at one time. Oh, I almost forgot. Don't forget to light a few candles for ambience while your sending up a few prayers. God's omniscient and omnipresent...all those omni's...and prayers will get his attention when smoke signals won't.

Can I return merchandise?

Sorry, no. Due to possible product tampering in the troubled times we live in, this product may not be returned. If you really can't stand one of these products - which is highly unlikely - feel free to regift to someone with discerning taste in bath salts. Preferably a writer. He or she will need it.